It would be kinder to eat that from the head down.
You have very poor impulse control.
See? Mommy doesn’t eat her poop.
Wake up and be cute.
And as a bonus, one from Angel Joe.
You’re kind of prissy for a cat puke and poo eater.
Actual things I have said to my dog.
Published
Esri Allbritten 
That´s funny! Hope you like that too:
A man walks into a bar with his dog. The man says: “I’ll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk.”
Bartender: “Yeah! Sure…go ahead.”
Man: “Whats on top of the house?”
Dog: “Rooooof!”
Man: “How does sandpaper feel?”
Dog: “Rooough!”
Man: “Who was the greatest baseball player ever?”
Dog: “Ruuuuth!”
Man: “See, I told you my dog could talk.”
The bartender throws both of them out. Sitting on the pavemnt, the dog looks at his owner and says, “or was the greatest player Mantle?”